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F*CK F*CKING F*UCK F*CKERSON

Just once I would like to date a guy who doesn't have horribly meddlesome parents. I mean seriously, is that to goddess blessed much to ask? My parents for the most part stay the heck out of my life. Sure they put their two cents in every once in a while, and they are there for me when I need them, but the get the fuck out when they know it's not their business.

Claude did pretty poorly this year at school. Pretty much he failed. He still isn't sure if he will be able to come back to the University this coming year. Still, he should be able to go back in the winter, or he could appeal to the university.

However his father is being anal retentive about the whole thing. Claude did to poorly, he might not pay for school next time. his dad doesn't know if Claude should even go back to school, or live in Guelph for that matter. *for anyone who doesn't know, Claude is moving in with me and the rest of my roommates this year, thus him not being allowed to live with us screws us over completely* Basically his dad is trying to control his life and making him feel like shit at the same damn time.

I am so angry I could scream. Not only is his dad being a jerk, but he did this all on the weekend that I came up to New Market to see Claude on last time before he leaves. I don't think I've ever seen Claude so upset and there was pretty much nothing I could do to make him feel better about things. Trying to convince your boyfriend that things will work out when his father pretty much said "fuck you" to all his future plans is extremely hard to do.

Joyous

I know I am usually such a cynic when it comes to relationships. I haven't been truly happy with anyone I've dated since Nathaniel and I broke up after High School. I've told my friends who to me always seem to be head over heels in love within the first week that it will pass. Love doesn't happen over night and you can't possibly know for sure in so little time.

Apparently I just needed to find the right guy. Claude and I have been dating for almost three months and I haven't been this happy in years. Oddly enough we have started discussing what life would be like if we make it through university and get married, have kids, ect ect. We know that we would raise them pagan, that is for sure, and I've been looking at names for kids that follow in his family's tradition of naming the first son.

I actually feel like this could work, for the first time since Nathaniel. I want it to work. I want to wake up beside him every morning and go to sleep with him every night. We have our differences for sure, but I honestly feel like I can live with them. I don't want to live without him in my life.

When he holds me I feel like I am being loved and cherished. I feel like he loves me whole-heartedly instead of just on the surface. He supports me without clinging, he leaves me alone when I need him to. Even when we sleep at night, and his back is turned to me, he sneaks his legs around mine to let me know he's there.

Most of my friends think I am insane, most think I have lost my mind due to this turn around in my outlook on life. I don't know what's up with me, but I hope it doesn't go away any time soon. I feel like I found the other part of me, and I couldn't stand to have it ripped away.

Sexual Frustration

So my boyfriend is a wonderful person and all but what a jerk when it comes to sex.
I tell him tonight that I feel submissive and he is free to do to my what he will. He freaking doesn't do anything we haven't done already, and to top it off, he came twice and I didn't come at all. He couldn't even be bothered to ask if I enjoyed it. He didn't even cuddle tonight. He just fucking rolled over and went to sleep.

The worst part is I couldn't even go and use B.O.B. to get off cause he's sleeping right beside me. GAH....what an idiot. He fell asleep before I could even tell him I was frustrated. I started crying in the bed beside him and he didn't even fucking notice.

That does it. No sex for him for a week, and I mean it this time.

Break Up

So I know this break up shouldn't hurt as much as it does because I too had been thinking that our relationship was not going anywhere.
The problem is I never thought it was Yan who was going to do the breaking up part.

I was doing fine until I woke up in the middle of the night and remembered that it was his pillow I was hugging.

Dec. 12th, 2007

ARGH

I am so sick to death of having a boyfriend whose mother keeps sticking her nose where it doesn't belong. First Nathaniel's mom used to try and tell us how to run our relationship and usually he sided with her. It drove me up the wall every time she'd push her way into a situation that was none of her business.

Now Yan's mom is trying to run his life. Honestly, a relationship is hard enough to maintain without his mom putting extra pressure on him and me. At 21 he should be allowed to choose his own life, make choices without her telling him it was wrong.

Right now she is worried that Yan and I are too close this soon in our relationship. She thinks we spend too much time with each other and has forbid him from staying the night with me. Also she tries to make him feel guilty whenever he wants to come visit me. What right does she have to decide when and where he can see me? If Yan and I are going to get physical, we can do it at any time of the day, not just if he spends then night. Also, we are both in our 20's. We are perfectly capable of of having an adult relationship.

Yan's mom is Christian and newly converted, so she is very big on the no sex before marriage. Everyone who knows me knows that I don't believe in that bullshit. "God" is not going to condemn my soul to Hell for having sex. It's NOT going to happen, so it really pisses me off when someone tells me and my boyfriend not to do so cause "God" will be mad. I don't believe in the all knowing father figure. I believe in multiple gods and goddesses who just rejoice in our triumphs and sorrow for our losses. They don't judge you for feeling good, and expressing you joy and love for one another. There is a sex go

Happy Happy Joy Joy

Not to jump the gun here, but I think my luck may have just turned around a bit.
I have a tentative date set with said third boy from my previous note for later this week.
An man oh man is he a hunni.

Defeated

I wish I knew what it was about me that is so damn replusive. I get told "you are such a pretty girl" or " Holy shit Jessi, you are smoking hot" but usually it is by other women. Men don't say that kind of thing to me, and apparently they don't think it either.

I like a couple guys right now and let's just say two of them totally ripped out my heart yesterday. Both are my friends, and the one just kept trying to get my advice on girls and kept asking me if I thought "so and so" would go out with them. All I wanted to do was yell...." I AM RIGHT HERE YOU TWIT.....I LIKE YOU...ASK ME OUT" But instead I just smiled outwardly and tried to be as supportive as I could be.

The next guy I have only know for a little while, but I felt an instant connection with him right away...or so I thought. Apparently it was one sided. We started out talking a lot, and I flirted, and thought he was flirting with me, but as soon as he met my friend Alicia, it was like I ceased to fucking exisit. Now we barely talk, unless it's about Alicia. I had had my suspicions about him liking her, but last night he truely confirmed it. I asked him outright and he nodded. Yep, he likes her. Worst part is she knows I like him, and she's not interested in him at all. So this is going to be an interesting situation when shit hits the fan. Half of me wishes that he'd just ask her out so she can reject him and he gets over it. But then I think....Do I really want a guy who was interested in Alicia. I mean look at her. She is gorgeous. I can't fucking compete with that, and I will always know (if) he goes after me, it's cause he couldn't have Alicia.

Needless to say that as much as I love Alicia, I just wish I had never met her right now. I need to stop introducing guys I like to my friends, because it always seems to happen. Guy falls head over heels for my friends instead of me. Alicia did feel bad about it and on the drunken rambling home she kept telling me she loved me and that I was beautiful...but then she made the mistake of saying I was beautiful on the inside. I fucking hate that saying. It's like, you are pretty I guess, but not to pretty that anyone has to worry about you being competition for them. I am sick of being a good person, or beautiful on the goddamn inside. Just once I would like to be told I am drop dead gorgeous on the outside, by someone who means it. Hearing it from my friends who are trying to make me feel better does not help on tiny little bit.

The third guy I like I have only known for a week or so, but seems nice. However I have a feelign I should just forget about being anything but his friend. Cause with my luck I won't be his type, or he too will fall for one of my friends.

Sigh. I think I just need to find my self a really good vibrator and forget about men completely. They are nothing but trouble that I don't need. I will just stick with my gay boys for cuddles when I need them and vibrations when I need to get laid.

Procrastination Whore

1. Name: Jessi-Rae
2. Middle Name: Frances
3. Province: Alberta
4. Place of Birth: Calgary
5. Zodiac Sign: Aries
6. Male or Female: Female
7. Bus most commonly taken: 10
8. School: University of Guelph
9. Occupation: Tim Horton's deli whore
10. Initials: JRFL
11. Screen Name: *Jessi*

-Your Appearance-
12. Hair Color: Naturally brown, dyed dark brown
13. Hair Length: Shoulder length
14. Eye color: green
15. Best Feature: eyes
16. Height: 5'6
17. Sex: Female
18. Glasses: Yes, and contacts
19. Age: 20
20. Diploma: high school

-Your 'Firsts'-
22. First best friend: Dexter (last name I don't remember)
23. First Award: 1 dollar and neckerchief for muttin' bustin'
24. First Sport You Joined: gymkanna
25. First thing you did today: hit the snooze button
26. First Real vacation: Disney Land in grd 7
27. First thing you said when you were a baby: ba ba
28. First Love: Darren Hopwood, more's the misfortune

- Favorites-
29. Movie: lots, but I love Phat Girlz
30. TV Show: Corner Gas (as an adult) Gummi Bears (as a child)
32. Artist: Umm...way to many to count
33. Place to shop: penningtons
34. Food: spaghetti
35. Season: Early summer
36. Candy: Mini Eggs
37. Sport: Horse back riding
38. Restaurant: Red Lobster or Red Papaya
39. Favorite Clothing: Jeans and a t-shirt
40. Store: The Witchery or Eagles and Oracles
41. School Subject: Applied Music, or Acting Studio
42. Animal: Horses or Tiger
43. Book: Earth Children Series by Jean M. Auel
44. Magazine: Cosmo ...if I have to choose one

-Currently-
45. Doing before you started this survey: taking music and popular culture notes
47. Single or Taken: single
48. Crying about: Lonelyness
49. Eating:Nothing right now
50. Drinking:nada, but I wish it was an ammoreto sour
53. Listening To: Tell Me Baby- Red Hot Chili Peppers
54. Thinking About: The gothic cowboy
55. Wanting: One boy in particular, another one is being craved too
56. Watching:you tube music videos

-Future-
57. Where do you see yourself 5 years from now? Hopefully I will be a semi-famous actress in musical theatre, engaged and own (paying a mortage on) a house
58. Kids?: Definately
59. Want to be Married: Married or engaged
60. Careers in Mind: Musical theatre/actress, or teaching

-Which is Better with the Opposite Sex-
63. Hair color: dark
64. Hair length: longer
65. Eye color: best? blue or green
66. Personality or Looks: both
67. Cute or sexy: cute
68. Lips or Eyes: Eyes
69. Hugs or Kisses: both
70. Short or Tall: tall
72. Romantic or Spontaneous: romantic
73. Good or Bad: good
74. Sensitive or Loud: sensitive
75. Hook-up or Relationship: Relationship
76. Harley or Car: Car is better for logical reasons but bike are freaking awsome
77. Trouble Maker or Hesitant One: trouble maker in that cute, bratty kind of way. Sarcastic and witty

-Have you ever-
78. Kissed a stranger: Nope...I wish I had though
79. Smoked: yes
80. Streaked: no
81. Ran Away From Home: no
82. Broken a bone: broke my collar bone, and my arm. Tore ligiments in my ankles too
83. Got an X-ray: yes
84. Got a broken bone: um...i repeat....yes
85. Broke Someones Heart: yes...unfortunately
86. Dumped someone: yep...4 different times
87. Cried When Someone Died: Of course
88. Cried At School: Yep, every single grade school, and year in university

-Do You Believe In-
89. God: in a very abstract way yes.
90. Miracles: yes
91. Love at First sight? HAHAHAHAHAHA...sure...(sarcasm)
92. Ghosts: Definately
94. Soul Mates: yes
95. Heaven: sigh,....again with the abstract way thing....I'll explain another time
93. Aliens: yeah, cause like we are the only intelligent life in the universe....of course I do
96. Hell: again, in an absract way
98. Kissing on The First Date: maybe, if the chemistry is right.
99. Horoscopes: Somewhat

I Hate Him

Inspired by a excerise we had in Acting Studio to let go of inhibitions.
You pick someone you really hate, and you just start listing off reasons why you hate him/her. Don't say who unless you want to.

I hate him because it took him forever to realize I liked him
I hate him because he made me feel special without realizing it
I hate him because he stood on the football field with the other guys and told me to "suck it"
I hate him because he was one of my best friends
I hate him because he told me all his problems
I hate him because he was grown up before he had to be
I hate him cause he never stood up to his parents
I hate him because he let his family walk oll over him
I hate him because could never just hang out
I hate him because he thought I was just a friend
I hate him because he had to be told I wanted to date him.
I hate him cause it took him two days to ask me out
I hate him because it took him 5 months to kiss me
I hate him because he stopped telling me things
I hate him because he made me feel guilty
I hate him because he drifted
I hate him because I contemplated sleeping with him to save the relationship
I hate him because he already loved another before we broke up
I hate him because I had to cry on our friend's shoulder putting him in the middle
I hate him because he made me feel bad about my body, when I looked my best
I hate him because we agreed to be friends, but we didn't
I hate him because the day after we broke up he seemed happier then he had in months
I hate him because he turned my friends against me
I hate him becaise he couldn't even tolerate my presence
I hate him because he accused me of going to our friend for "comfort"
I hate him because he accused me of leaving him for someone else
I hate him because he always strived to be one up on me
I hate him because I still think about him
I hate him because he's still closer to our friend then I am
I hate him because I can't truely hate him
I hate him because he was my first love

Too Long Gone

Okay so people keep bitching me out for not using this, so I am going to make an attempt to update this more often